Failure is such an awful word. It makes you feel weak, and out of control. I know that through failure I can succeed, but right now it just feels like a slap in the face. After the last post, my milk supply began to drop, so I started to cut back and back on my workouts, eat more and more food, and now I am supplementing with hoards of fenugreek and even still I am struggling.
Two weeks ago I had to give in and feed Vivian a couple ounces of formula. That first morning I cried while I fed her. The word failure, ringing through my mind over and over again. My heart was breaking. It seems so silly, I am blessed to be able to feed her at all. I am blessed with a body that works, even if I sometimes can't see its beauty. I am blessed with a amazing baby girl who is thriving.
These last two weeks I haven't worked out at all, not even once. I should mention through all of this, my supply is up and doing soooo much better, however, she still needs 4-6oz of formula each day. I have been missing my workout endorphins, it is harder to see the light in this world even though it is so bright. I miss the days that I knew I was successfully feeding her without help. I miss the knowing my body was moving towards my goals again. Through all of this my confidence has been thoroughly shaken.
I know these thing are minor, they are just some of the most difficult mental challenges I have to overcome right now. I know that I will feed my baby girl the best I can, but never starve her for my own success. I know that I will work out again, I will start next week and slowly build again. I know that when my body stops supporting my milk supply I will be able to reach my goals again, but I know that is less important then trying to have a milk supply to support. I know so much good is in this world and not to sweat the small stuff, maybe later this will seem smaller to me....
Sorry just rambling....
2 comments:
I have re-decided this week that nursing has a big psychological implication, whether you like it/ hate/ want to do it/ struggle with it. I've been thinking of the frequency. Often, I can handle it, and for the most part I really enjoy nursing. I am grateful for the forced 20-30 minutes to sit still and read. Still sometimes, it sounds more pleasant to work on whatever I wanted to do or just not have to nurse QUITE YET. I appreciate you sharing. All of us moms with infants may be somewhat isolated, but we are not alone.
Oh Candice this brought back so many memories for me. My milk supply depleted when Brock was 4 months old. He wouldn't even let me hold him when I was giving him formula. I would sit on the stairs and cry while Chris fed him a bottle. I was very heart broken. I am glad that fenugreek is working for you and that you have been able to get your supply back up.
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